When Intimacy Feels Hard: Choosing Love, Submission, and Care this Valentine’s Day

Holleigh Locklyn
Feb 10
5 min read

Close-up of intertwined hands on a white bed, suggesting intimacy. A person with dark hair is partially visible in a calming setting.

Hi sweet mamas! With Valentine's Day on the horizon, I'm resisting the urge to write in detail about Hobby Lobby's amazing season Vday Decor (no easy feat, I assure you) to focus on something I think is particularly important as we consider romantic love and Christian marriage.

And that something is...

*SEX *

I know, I know...it feels a little TMI, and I know it's especially hard for us Christian girls to talk about. It's a word that a lot of people consider dirty and very taboo in church,

but Mama to Mama, this conversation is necessary and important when it comes to nurturing a Christian marriage and honoring your husband.

A man and woman sit together reading a book in a cozy, sunlit room. The woman looks at the man, smiling. A lamp and window are visible. — My Wonderful God-Fearing Hubby Jayce Reading the Bible Out Loud

When it comes to sex, us women often find ourselves battling the devil. The devil works hard to get you to have it when you shouldn’t...and to get you to not have it when you should.

We hear a lot about the first half of that statement, but today I want to discuss the second half.

It’s a story that every mama knows a little too well: you spent all day caring for the kids, making dinner, cleaning up spills, doing laundry, keeping the house in order and on your back. You're touched-out and tired., and when you finally get the kids to sleep, you just want some alone time.

But then, right as you're settling into bed in your cozy jammies ready for some evening Bible study before drifting off into a Heavenly sleep, suddenly your husband appears. He was at work all day, toiling and laboring hard, but he doesn't just want rest. He needs something else in order to relax after a long day. He gives you "the look." You know what he wants. He starts touching, and grabbing, and escalating things...until this very tired mama says…

“Not tonight.”

Uh-oh. Suddenly a rift is formed. Suddenly distance is created...from both each other and God. The potential for connection is lost when caught between a mama who’s so exhausted and a hubby who now feels completely invalidated. How can we fix this picture?

I've talked about this before, but it bears mentioning again. Our culture today screams "self care," essentially telling us that we should put our own needs before anyone else's. But...that's literally the opposite of what a marriage is supposed to look like (at least according to the Bible).

Two hands with wedding rings rest on an open book, likely a Bible. The image exudes a warm, intimate mood.

Marriage is dying to yourself and your own desires daily, and instead putting the needs of someone else before your own: aka, your spouse's needs. Because of this high level of holy sacrifice, the relationship you have with your husband is one of the most Christ-like relationships you will ever experience on this earth Mama.

It's an unpopular opinion these days, but I would be doing all my Christian women readers a deep diservice by not naming this truth:

Scripture is very clear that wives are to submit to their husbands.

Ephesians lays it all out for us: The husband is the head of the home.

Close-up of two people in striped shirts in a warm embrace outdoors. One wears a watch. The setting is serene with greenery in the background.

But what does submission look like?

(can you guess where I'm headed?)

Submitting to our husbands means putting his needs before your own. This may feel repetitive, but I will say it until it lands.

Marriage and Biblical submission within Marriage means putting your husband's needs before your own.

Mama, he works so hard to make money and provide for YOU. And your family! He just wants to enjoy time with his wife, and who are you to deny him that? Isn’t it an honor that he finds you beautiful and desirable? That he wants to be with you in his way? There are times, I’ll admit, that I haven’t wanted to be intimate with my husband. But once I start, I’m usually in the mood, feeling good, and so happy I was able to connect with my husband in this way.

Mamas, the most important part of your home is the relationship you have with your husband. If that wavers, the whole family cracks. Why would we neglect the most valuable person on our team?

So this Valentine’s Day, go on a date night with your husband. A real one, with a babysitter. Remind each other why you love each other and… have some fun at the end! (wink!)

Preparing Your Heart for Intimacy When You’re Not Feeling It:

Need a little more support? Here are a few gentle (and practical) ways to prepare your heart for intimacy when the desire isn’t there:

1. Set aside your expectations

Desire doesn’t always arrive on its own, and waiting to feel ready can sometimes mean never getting there. Instead of asking how you feel, it can be helpful to focus on what marriage asks of us in commitment and service.

Feelings are important - but they don’t always get the final say. God does.

2. Quiet your inner resistance

If your first reaction is tension or avoidance, take a moment to breathe and remind yourself that closeness is part of God’s design for marriage.

Resistance is often just exhaustion in disguise. Pushing past it can sometimes be an act of love.

3. Reframe intimacy as giving, not receiving

In seasons when you feel depleted, intimacy may not be about what you get out of it. It can simply be a way to meet your husband’s needs and preserve connection, even if you don’t feel emotionally present at first.

Love, after all, is sacrificial.

4. Don’t overthink your body’s response

You don’t need to feel eager or excited to show up. Physical readiness can follow obedience, and enjoyment may come later...or it may not. Either way, faithfulness isn’t measured by pleasure.

Sometimes just being available is enough.

5. Trust that unity matters more than comfort

Marriage calls us to lay ourselves down in small, unseen ways. Intimacy, even when inconvenient, can be one of those ways.

Unity often requires us to move beyond our own preferences for the sake of the relationship.

6. Release any lingering discomfort

If you feel distant afterward, try not to dwell on it. Pray, refocus on gratitude, and remember that not every act of love feels fulfilling in the moment.

Share your prayers and blessings - and your New Year's Goals!- with the Home Sweet Holleigh community! Comment below or engage on social media! Find me on Instagram and TikTok at @homesweetholleigh